Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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