you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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