I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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