we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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