Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
