we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
