Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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