'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
