Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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