also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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