if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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