PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
