I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Randomize
