I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
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I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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