he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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