from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I would ride that face into the sunset
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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