Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
