Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
