my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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