i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
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I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
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I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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