lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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