Redeem this text for a blowjob
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
