mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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