I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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