drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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