the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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