True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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