I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
