I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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