Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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