Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
