Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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