i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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