i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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