i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
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