I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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