I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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