Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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