I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
