I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
