we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
