the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
