party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
