I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
