and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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