2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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