He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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