You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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