OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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