i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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