I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
