I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
