Is it normal to miss your booty call?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
