my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
