She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
