i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
