Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
